olive (working title)

there's a way to soften directness, diffuse the blame, and hide intention, by replacing "i" with "we" when you say "i'll miss you."

she had a distinct neurosis.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from holding heavy objects just-so against her belly.
to keep the potential baby safe, of course.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from making eye contact with any male figure on the street. to keep them from making a blunt remark about her ass, of course.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from sharing her writing with her lover.
to keep him from reading about himself, of course.

she was not pregnant. she was not wildly attractive. and he would not be scared off.

but still she would pathologically avoid her high school sweetheart. still she would step over cracks in the sidewalk. still she would down 3 glasses of water and a tylenol after a night out, even if she only had 1 beer. still she would shower after sex. still she would wash the pre-washed produce.

amy hempel once wrote:

i'm not thinking about the end of it, the built-in heartbreak. what I'm already feeling after only one month is that it's kind of a heightened appreciation because i know we will only have one year.

she read this with deep sadness and a smile, thinking of him. how patronizing of her. she had no idea how much he really loved her. she sat here diminishing his words to lies. she thought highly of herself for having figured him out. knowing that he would only come to leave her again. from her laurels, she felt charitable for giving him another chance.

she realized her behavior, and fell silent in thought.

after some time, she stirred at the realization that what hempel wrote was true. you will only have one year. and then you will have another. and another after that. and so on and so forth, until you're standing on top of this mountain, looking at the beautiful empire you two have built.

this was something rare, he said. this was something he wanted to make work, he said. but tonight, he wanted to spend time with his friends, he said.

she knew this, and loved this about him. she was not angry. she was not bitter. she was not cold. she told him with a look that she wanted him to be happy, that was all.

she began to trust him again when his smile appeared, small and telling. he kissed her goodnight, and held her close.

he knew this wasn't the end. no way. not after what she said yesterday morning.