brokes-
hey. hi. it's me.
i'm sitting in my parents' house, on the bigger of the two couches in the living room. my black cat's sidled up next to me, licking her paws. and i miss you.
when i think back to "things way back before," i think about that time you called me in march. 2010. you wanted to apologize for being a dick, or something (?) and you thought i, of all people, deserved an explanation.
i'll never forget eating that sandwich sitting in the grass with you. you didn't want anything when i offered to buy. you wouldn't take a bite. all business. you wanted to tell me that you were sorry. i just remember the smell of the grass. the breeze mixed with sunrays. the red glint on your hair.
and i'm smiling. right here, in the dark.
i wanted to write this- i don't know what came over me. i have been trying to catch up to your spot with the wire- we have plans to watch season 2 tomorrow together, and to get day-drunk. and i'm not caught up. so i'm staying up all night. but i stopped watching, because i had to write this.
god, i love you. that word almost seems inappropriate. i don't know what goes higher than love. maybe i've had a little too much wine to try and be eloquent- but you are my favorite person. you are, daniel.
remember when i sent you that thing? "you, apparently, can love someone you don't even like." i wrote that, baby. i wrote it about you, months ago. i was mad that you had started seeing someone. mad- hell, i was broken.
completely.
but i still loved you. no matter what bad things people would say. i'd believe them for awhile, and start to found disdain for you, but it would ultimately fall and dissipate. i'd see your name, i'd hear you mentioned in conversation, i'd see your face. i saw you riding your bike in town several times. and i felt that pang.
you.... you confided to me a few times- that you were afraid i only wanted you because you reminded me of payton. honey- i cannot tell you enough times that it was a COINCIDENCE that i met you through him. a coincidence i will always thank (god) for. you were what i wanted- i didn't even know.
you talk to me. you say things you think are weird, but things i think are brilliant. but the best part? you say ANYTHING around me. even if it isn't funny. even if it isn't genius. you say it. and i hear it. and i love you.
this is so wine-fueled. god. embarassing. whatever. it's not like you care. you're probably laughing at how ridiculous i am right now. in a good way. tease me and cover us both with the blanket.
one of my favorite memories of us from this (well, last) year is the night we rented that movie with taylor lautner that we thought would be GOD-AWFUL and it ended up being "kind of ok." we bought spaghetti and marinara sauce from CVS (CVS! daniel! we are the best!) and you cooked late-night dinner and with giant plates and hungry eyes we sat together watching the tiny tv in the living room and honey baby oh my god. i was so HAPPY! happy! really happy! i never am HAPPY!
i know, and you know, that i've been struggling with the elephant in the other-room. the eating disorder. blech. ok. there. i said it. hate saying it. but when i recently re-confessed that to you- you voiced concern. and i got angry with you, i know. but you don't know how much it meant to hear that concern. voiced in the way you voiced it. "you know how you used to get annoyed with me for making negative comments about myself?" and that hit hard, daniel. so hard. it hurt to hear how you felt, but i felt warm. cared for.
and on that note- when you have cooked for me, fed me- i feel LOVED. food is a huge battle for me, but it means the universe to me, that you know that and FEED ME despite it. i'm tearing up just sitting here writing this.
god. ok. getting away from that.
i don't know. i don't know! i just. don't know.
why do i like you? i don't know. there have been hundreds of reasons over the years. but i want to talk about the reasons i have, coming up on three (THREE!) years of knowing you.
your smile. it is so telling. i see you smile, and i imagine photos of us, 5 years from now. side by side, your arm around me, that smile. i can see you so easily, with hardly any effort, smiling while picking up your daughter and spinning her around. you're going to be such a caring dad. god. on the verge of tears as i write this. i read through old journal entries not long ago, about guys i have dated over the years. i remember so clearly what i wrote about you one year- "he is husband material. with those sweaters and that smile. the way he walks, and picks up his head just before he gets to you sitting on the bench." i had no idea what i meant back then.
i like your mind. you are able to make such BIZARRE connections and pathways, ones i don't see at all. and when you verbalize them, i have "aha!" moments and i am brimming with joy at the fact that you exist! and your mind works that way! and i am so LUCKY to be able to talk to you, and spend time with you, and connect with you. "no matter where we are, we're always touching by underground wires." always, always. even if we don't end up together in the "end," baby- you will always be in my heart. alwaysalways. always.
i like when we wake up at 8 in the morning and you have no intentions of getting out of bed, and you sleep-moan-talk at me, and you nuzzle up to me and i laugh and feel a tear fall down my cheek. because you are so god damned sweet.
why else do i like you? i like your shoulders. your arms, and legs. they are strong. and i feel safe. so safe. and when you lie on top of me and fall asleep, i'm not smothered. i'm comfortable, and cozy. and loved.
and i remember our bad night. the night i cried because i wanted to leave the party. and you finally started the car, you drove past your apartment and i was so afraid. you were upset, we finally got back home. we had such an argument. crying, raised voices, you told me of skeletons. and i cried harder. you asked me "why are YOU crying?" as you admitted that maybe you DID have a drinking problem, and i wanted to hold you so close because you were my world in that very moment and you pushed me away.
you pushed me away. i never thought i could cry so hard.
i almost wish you had left a bruise, it would have hurt less.
i could give a shit how much money you make. i don't care if your car doesn't work. YOU are the man i fell in love with 3 years ago. and i have not been able to shake you. even through a serious relationship with someone who turned out to be AWFUL for me. you were always on my mind. he found the journal entries i wrote about you. he was devastated, because he KNEW. he KNEW you would never leave my mind.
and that's how i know.
you complain about your "gut." and your "unibrow." and how "hairy" you are. and i laugh and i hug you because you could be 300 pounds and covered in fur and you would still be my purple bottle.
but please don't ever weigh 300 pounds. you'd have really bad cholesterol and i don't wanna see you die from a heart attack.
it's funny. we've fused and split several times- and it feels like each time, we've reconvened into something bigger. the time apart informs the relationship. fully and completely.
i love your weird habits. the dumb songs you sing. how you still wear the same brown shorts you wore when i first met you. the same pair of sneakers. your dvd collection. how your hair looks the day after you wash it. the salty smell of your sheets.
i could write pages. novels. but i'll leave it here. and i hope someday that you read this.
you are my favorite person. i could meet the world and know that.
-jones
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