a letter to love

brokes-

hey. hi. it's me.

i'm sitting in my parents' house, on the bigger of the two couches in the living room. my black cat's sidled up next to me, licking her paws. and i miss you.

when i think back to "things way back before," i think about that time you called me in march. 2010. you wanted to apologize for being a dick, or something (?) and you thought i, of all people, deserved an explanation.

i'll never forget eating that sandwich sitting in the grass with you. you didn't want anything when i offered to buy. you wouldn't take a bite. all business. you wanted to tell me that you were sorry. i just remember the smell of the grass. the breeze mixed with sunrays. the red glint on your hair.

and i'm smiling. right here, in the dark.

i wanted to write this- i don't know what came over me. i have been trying to catch up to your spot with the wire- we have plans to watch season 2 tomorrow together, and to get day-drunk. and i'm not caught up. so i'm staying up all night. but i stopped watching, because i had to write this.

god, i love you. that word almost seems inappropriate. i don't know what goes higher than love. maybe i've had a little too much wine to try and be eloquent- but you are my favorite person. you are, daniel.

remember when i sent you that thing? "you, apparently, can love someone you don't even like." i wrote that, baby. i wrote it about you, months ago. i was mad that you had started seeing someone. mad- hell, i was broken.

completely.

but i still loved you. no matter what bad things people would say. i'd believe them for awhile, and start to found disdain for you, but it would ultimately fall and dissipate. i'd see your name, i'd hear you mentioned in conversation, i'd see your face. i saw you riding your bike in town several times. and i felt that pang.

you.... you confided to me a few times- that you were afraid i only wanted you because you reminded me of payton. honey- i cannot tell you enough times that it was a COINCIDENCE that i met you through him. a coincidence i will always thank (god) for. you were what i wanted- i didn't even know.

you talk to me. you say things you think are weird, but things i think are brilliant. but the best part? you say ANYTHING around me. even if it isn't funny. even if it isn't genius. you say it. and i hear it. and i love you.

this is so wine-fueled. god. embarassing. whatever. it's not like you care. you're probably laughing at how ridiculous i am right now. in a good way. tease me and cover us both with the blanket.

one of my favorite memories of us from this (well, last) year is the night we rented that movie with taylor lautner that we thought would be GOD-AWFUL and it ended up being "kind of ok." we bought spaghetti and marinara sauce from CVS (CVS! daniel! we are the best!) and you cooked late-night dinner and with giant plates and hungry eyes we sat together watching the tiny tv in the living room and honey baby oh my god. i was so HAPPY! happy! really happy! i never am HAPPY!

i know, and you know, that i've been struggling with the elephant in the other-room. the eating disorder. blech. ok. there. i said it. hate saying it. but when i recently re-confessed that to you- you voiced concern. and i got angry with you, i know. but you don't know how much it meant to hear that concern. voiced in the way you voiced it. "you know how you used to get annoyed with me for making negative comments about myself?" and that hit hard, daniel. so hard. it hurt to hear how you felt, but i felt warm. cared for.

and on that note- when you have cooked for me, fed me- i feel LOVED. food is a huge battle for me, but it means the universe to me, that you know that and FEED ME despite it. i'm tearing up just sitting here writing this.


god. ok. getting away from that.

i don't know. i don't know! i just. don't know.

why do i like you? i don't know. there have been hundreds of reasons over the years. but i want to talk about the reasons i have, coming up on three (THREE!) years of knowing you.

your smile. it is so telling. i see you smile, and i imagine photos of us, 5 years from now. side by side, your arm around me, that smile. i can see you so easily, with hardly any effort, smiling while picking up your daughter and spinning her around. you're going to be such a caring dad. god. on the verge of tears as i write this. i read through old journal entries not long ago, about guys i have dated over the years. i remember so clearly what i wrote about you one year- "he is husband material. with those sweaters and that smile. the way he walks, and picks up his head just before he gets to you sitting on the bench." i had no idea what i meant back then.

i like your mind. you are able to make such BIZARRE connections and pathways, ones i don't see at all. and when you verbalize them, i have "aha!" moments and i am brimming with joy at the fact that you exist! and your mind works that way! and i am so LUCKY to be able to talk to you, and spend time with you, and connect with you. "no matter where we are, we're always touching by underground wires." always, always. even if we don't end up together in the "end," baby- you will always be in my heart. alwaysalways. always.

i like when we wake up at 8 in the morning and you have no intentions of getting out of bed, and you sleep-moan-talk at me, and you nuzzle up to me and i laugh and feel a tear fall down my cheek. because you are so god damned sweet.

why else do i like you? i like your shoulders. your arms, and legs. they are strong. and i feel safe. so safe. and when you lie on top of me and fall asleep, i'm not smothered. i'm comfortable, and cozy. and loved.

and i remember our bad night. the night i cried because i wanted to leave the party. and you finally started the car, you drove past your apartment and i was so afraid. you were upset, we finally got back home. we had such an argument. crying, raised voices, you told me of skeletons. and i cried harder. you asked me "why are YOU crying?" as you admitted that maybe you DID have a drinking problem, and i wanted to hold you so close because you were my world in that very moment and you pushed me away.

you pushed me away. i never thought i could cry so hard.

i almost wish you had left a bruise, it would have hurt less.

i could give a shit how much money you make. i don't care if your car doesn't work. YOU are the man i fell in love with 3 years ago. and i have not been able to shake you. even through a serious relationship with someone who turned out to be AWFUL for me. you were always on my mind. he found the journal entries i wrote about you. he was devastated, because he KNEW. he KNEW you would never leave my mind.

and that's how i know.

you complain about your "gut." and your "unibrow." and how "hairy" you are. and i laugh and i hug you because you could be 300 pounds and covered in fur and you would still be my purple bottle.

but please don't ever weigh 300 pounds. you'd have really bad cholesterol and i don't wanna see you die from a heart attack.

it's funny. we've fused and split several times- and it feels like each time, we've reconvened into something bigger. the time apart informs the relationship. fully and completely.

i love your weird habits. the dumb songs you sing. how you still wear the same brown shorts you wore when i first met you. the same pair of sneakers. your dvd collection. how your hair looks the day after you wash it. the salty smell of your sheets.

i could write pages. novels. but i'll leave it here. and i hope someday that you read this.

you are my favorite person. i could meet the world and know that.

-jones

9:00-9:20 am (bold are words i want to change)

9:00-9:20 am.

not having said more than 4 words to each other before this, sitting together at a table, just the two of us, for 20 minutes, seemed insurmountable.

you came back with coffee. normally when people ask me if i "want anything," i politely decline. but i was freezing cold, and i was grateful you asked. it always seemed like you were annoyed by me.

"how's your semester going?"

i started a little. i almost reacted with hostility. "why would you care?" but i didn't. i smiled weakly.

"it's ok."

silence.

i ventured, "have you had your review yet?"

"i don't have one this year, since i'm graduating in may. thesis."

"oh, thats cool."

"yeah."

i started staring at the grass at this point. hoping to allow you a chance to step out of the conversation. if you preferred to sit in silence. i didn't mind. it was 9:11 at this point anyway. not much longer to go. but you volleyed a clipped

"where are you from?"

i said i was from delaware, and had moved around a bit because of dad's job. turns out you had too. our dads had different fields of work, though.

silence again. i remembered a few weeks ago when a group of us went to our mutual friend's birthday celebration at that bar i never go to. around 12:20 am when i was planning to leave, a few of us were making our way to the front when we ran into you. we were all so inebriated that it seemed perfectly normal for you to take me and another girls hand and spin us around on the dance floor, briefly, just that spin. and i remember thinking "maybe he doesn't think i am a total waste of space."

i have that bad habit though. of assuming people don't like me, especially when they don't talk to me.

maybe you are just more like how i am. don't talk to people just for the sake of talking.

i looked at the clock. 9:29. the feeling of relief less potent than i had anticipated, i gathered my things.

"thanks for the coffee."

names not changed (written straight through, no editing)

i met payton in the summer of 2007. he wore glasses back then. i thought he was cute. at the time we met, he was single, but as our first at boarding school began, he quickly took up a hobby named ginger, a blonde with big teeth. i hated her.

they split, and he left in october, not even finishing his semester. i found out after the fact, and was sad i never got to say a goodbye. not that i had any real attachment. whatever.

thanks to the digital age, we reconnected the following january. and we started talking every night. late. i had a strict 250-msg monthly limit on my phone, but i'd go over my limit texting him to say good morning and goodnight.

he asked me to prom after much prompting, and we had a good time. the next night, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

over the next few weeks, we learned a lot about each other. he showed me photos of his friends- kory and daniel. kory lived in egypt and went to an american high school there, and daniel (who was noted to be older) was living with his long-term girlfriend. payton told me they were his brothers, daniel being the big brother. i smiled at the camaraderie. wishing i had something like that.

i became friends with kory on myspace, and we sent a few messages back and forth. it felt cool to know someone who lived abroad. payton seemed a little threatened, and made vocal note of kory's girlfriend, several times.

in june, payton went to egypt to visit kory. we could only communicate by email, and sparingly. one day, he sent me an email telling me it was time to break it off. i reacted with anger instead of sadness. i remember throwing things.

i just assumed he'd met someone else. someone better.

i would come to find out, years later, that he wanted to split before he went off to college that fall, because he knew that we wouldn't last through that.

i love him for that, still.


i went through my senior year with a lot of struggle. i talked to payton a lot that fall semester, he was really lonely at college and hadn't made a lot of friends. eventually, he met a girl named julia, and they fell in love. i was happy for him, strangely.

i graduated high school that next may, and started studying at the same college payton was at. i was dating someone at the time, someone who i had left behind at boarding school. that was a horrible, long, drawn-out breakup. and it's why i love payton for not putting us through that.

payton and i reconvened briefly in december or january (2009 or 2010, respectively). and then a few weeks after that, we bumped into each other on campus while he was talking to his roommate.

this is when i met daniel.

long, washed-yesterday hair, white shirt collar peeking out from beneath a red and gray striped sweater, khaki colored cords and gray sneakers. i can't say i thought a lot of him, despite the outfit, because i was still head over heels for payton. later that weekend, the three of us got together to smoke pot and get drunk, and payton and i ended up sleeping together. "just for fun," we both agreed. having never have slept with him when we dated in high school, this came as a huge shock. the fact that i actually loved him. that night made it apparent.

the next morning, we rode the bus, hungover, to campus. we got some breakfast, and went our separate ways, him kissing me in the parking lot. i was glowing.

things trickled off after that. i was angry, especially when i realized it may have somehting to do with julia. i suddenly got the idea in my head to start showing interest in his roommate, just to piss him off.

the joke was SO on me.

the more i looked at daniel, the more i realized how attractive he actually was. and one night, i boldly went for it, and asked if he wanted to hang out. he said yes. i think as a deferrment measure, he invited a mutual friend to come along. lauren. i didn't like her, or that situation. our friend nick came over after that, we all hung out for a few hours drinking and eating breakfast food. we all fell asleep watching se7en, and nick woke me up at 4 am asking me if i needed a ride home. i paused, but made sure not for long, because he was waiting for a response.

"no, that's ok, i'll just stay here." i thought that ONE way or another, i'd find a ride back home.

daniel and i stayed up until sunrise, smoking cigarettes and talking. we went back to sleep, then woke up early afternoon around the same time. i kissed him. he asked what that was for. i smiled and kissed him again. we eventually fell back asleep for a few hours. when we woke up, he had a look in his eyes. he kissed me, and started to take off his underwear. without missing a beat, i mirrored him.

30 minutes later, we lay salty in bed, and i realized i had just had the best sex of my entire life.

he drove me home later that night, and used my name when he told me goodbye, and kissed me.

a one-way game of cat and mouse ensued for the next month or so. eventually he apologized, and asked if he could have a real chance. we dated for a month, and i hadn't been happier. he broke up with me because he didn't have himself together. i was devastated. i thought i was falling in love with him.

that was april of 2010.

that summer, we reconvened twice. emotionally. passive-aggressively. cryptically.

kory came to visit from austin that summer. we met for the first time in person at a house party off of brightside. i was waiting outside with beers, and handed him one when he walked up. after only a few sips, we got busted by plainclothes cops, and had $500 fines slapped on us for MIP. we joked that it was a bonding experience, and we all went back to payton and daniel's apartment. kory and i stayed up late listening to the strokes and smoking cigarettes, and we ended up making out on the couch. we fell asleep together, and woke up the next morning with stunning hangovers. then that next night, i went back over to their apartment, and kory and i went to payton's room and fooled around for a bit, and then we talked for hours and hours lying in bed together.


my mind would go back to payton, as well. we ran into each other at a party mid-september. after heavy flirting, he started stroking my knee under the table, and after we went inside for more drinks, i went to the bathroom. on my way out, i grabbed my purse, and headed straight for the front door. i caught payton's eye, jerked my head towards the door, and kept walking, not missing a beat. he followed seamlessly.

we got back to my apartment, and just like a business transaction, it happened. he started saying i was sexy, and i told him to stop talking. because i was scared.

he left, and i looked at my phone to see that the guy i had been interested in was trying to find me after i left the party.

i ended up dating that guy for a year. but my mind always went back to daniel, or payton. i was eventually able to shut payton out. but never daniel.

i cheated on that guy 2 or 3 times with daniel. things felt stronger. more meaningful. he was a natural choice.

kory is now in a long-term relationship with lauren (remember, from the night i first hung out with daniel?). he is going through hormone therapy to become a transgendered woman, and lauren is staying with him through the process. it's really poignant.

payton is back with julia, has been for some time. i don't hear much about them, and anything i do hear is vague and somewhat judgmental. i don't know if he's happy, but i still think about him, and pray that he is.

daniel? well. daniel hasn't dated anyone since me. this past summer, he confessed his undying love for me, only to quickly grow frustrated with who i fundamentally was, and start neglecting me. oh, did i mention- that happened twice.

it was heartbreaking. i loved him undyingly. i still have a part of me that does.

he was the one i couldn't shake.

olive (working title)

there's a way to soften directness, diffuse the blame, and hide intention, by replacing "i" with "we" when you say "i'll miss you."

she had a distinct neurosis.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from holding heavy objects just-so against her belly.
to keep the potential baby safe, of course.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from making eye contact with any male figure on the street. to keep them from making a blunt remark about her ass, of course.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from sharing her writing with her lover.
to keep him from reading about himself, of course.

she was not pregnant. she was not wildly attractive. and he would not be scared off.

but still she would pathologically avoid her high school sweetheart. still she would step over cracks in the sidewalk. still she would down 3 glasses of water and a tylenol after a night out, even if she only had 1 beer. still she would shower after sex. still she would wash the pre-washed produce.

amy hempel once wrote:

i'm not thinking about the end of it, the built-in heartbreak. what I'm already feeling after only one month is that it's kind of a heightened appreciation because i know we will only have one year.

she read this with deep sadness and a smile, thinking of him. how patronizing of her. she had no idea how much he really loved her. she sat here diminishing his words to lies. she thought highly of herself for having figured him out. knowing that he would only come to leave her again. from her laurels, she felt charitable for giving him another chance.

she realized her behavior, and fell silent in thought.

after some time, she stirred at the realization that what hempel wrote was true. you will only have one year. and then you will have another. and another after that. and so on and so forth, until you're standing on top of this mountain, looking at the beautiful empire you two have built.

this was something rare, he said. this was something he wanted to make work, he said. but tonight, he wanted to spend time with his friends, he said.

she knew this, and loved this about him. she was not angry. she was not bitter. she was not cold. she told him with a look that she wanted him to be happy, that was all.

she began to trust him again when his smile appeared, small and telling. he kissed her goodnight, and held her close.

he knew this wasn't the end. no way. not after what she said yesterday morning.

an artist statement (in writing and in clay)

first of all, we should address my presumed phobia of capital letters. i don't fear them. i simply don't need them. they feel loud, obtrusive, sometimes petulant. brash. abrasive. punctuated. my words are softer and more fluid. my voice is calmer. i don't like to make such a bold distinction between sentences. because our brain doesn't work that way.

instead, our thought-changes and thought-pauses are more akin to line-breaks.

not capital letters.

everything i write is fiction. because i believe our world is fiction. we create our own "realities." for all you know, none of these events i describe happened just-that-way.

these are stories only you and me know. to everyone else, they're fiction. no one else can confirm or deny.