9:00-9:20 am (bold are words i want to change)

9:00-9:20 am.

not having said more than 4 words to each other before this, sitting together at a table, just the two of us, for 20 minutes, seemed insurmountable.

you came back with coffee. normally when people ask me if i "want anything," i politely decline. but i was freezing cold, and i was grateful you asked. it always seemed like you were annoyed by me.

"how's your semester going?"

i started a little. i almost reacted with hostility. "why would you care?" but i didn't. i smiled weakly.

"it's ok."

silence.

i ventured, "have you had your review yet?"

"i don't have one this year, since i'm graduating in may. thesis."

"oh, thats cool."

"yeah."

i started staring at the grass at this point. hoping to allow you a chance to step out of the conversation. if you preferred to sit in silence. i didn't mind. it was 9:11 at this point anyway. not much longer to go. but you volleyed a clipped

"where are you from?"

i said i was from delaware, and had moved around a bit because of dad's job. turns out you had too. our dads had different fields of work, though.

silence again. i remembered a few weeks ago when a group of us went to our mutual friend's birthday celebration at that bar i never go to. around 12:20 am when i was planning to leave, a few of us were making our way to the front when we ran into you. we were all so inebriated that it seemed perfectly normal for you to take me and another girls hand and spin us around on the dance floor, briefly, just that spin. and i remember thinking "maybe he doesn't think i am a total waste of space."

i have that bad habit though. of assuming people don't like me, especially when they don't talk to me.

maybe you are just more like how i am. don't talk to people just for the sake of talking.

i looked at the clock. 9:29. the feeling of relief less potent than i had anticipated, i gathered my things.

"thanks for the coffee."

names not changed (written straight through, no editing)

i met payton in the summer of 2007. he wore glasses back then. i thought he was cute. at the time we met, he was single, but as our first at boarding school began, he quickly took up a hobby named ginger, a blonde with big teeth. i hated her.

they split, and he left in october, not even finishing his semester. i found out after the fact, and was sad i never got to say a goodbye. not that i had any real attachment. whatever.

thanks to the digital age, we reconnected the following january. and we started talking every night. late. i had a strict 250-msg monthly limit on my phone, but i'd go over my limit texting him to say good morning and goodnight.

he asked me to prom after much prompting, and we had a good time. the next night, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

over the next few weeks, we learned a lot about each other. he showed me photos of his friends- kory and daniel. kory lived in egypt and went to an american high school there, and daniel (who was noted to be older) was living with his long-term girlfriend. payton told me they were his brothers, daniel being the big brother. i smiled at the camaraderie. wishing i had something like that.

i became friends with kory on myspace, and we sent a few messages back and forth. it felt cool to know someone who lived abroad. payton seemed a little threatened, and made vocal note of kory's girlfriend, several times.

in june, payton went to egypt to visit kory. we could only communicate by email, and sparingly. one day, he sent me an email telling me it was time to break it off. i reacted with anger instead of sadness. i remember throwing things.

i just assumed he'd met someone else. someone better.

i would come to find out, years later, that he wanted to split before he went off to college that fall, because he knew that we wouldn't last through that.

i love him for that, still.


i went through my senior year with a lot of struggle. i talked to payton a lot that fall semester, he was really lonely at college and hadn't made a lot of friends. eventually, he met a girl named julia, and they fell in love. i was happy for him, strangely.

i graduated high school that next may, and started studying at the same college payton was at. i was dating someone at the time, someone who i had left behind at boarding school. that was a horrible, long, drawn-out breakup. and it's why i love payton for not putting us through that.

payton and i reconvened briefly in december or january (2009 or 2010, respectively). and then a few weeks after that, we bumped into each other on campus while he was talking to his roommate.

this is when i met daniel.

long, washed-yesterday hair, white shirt collar peeking out from beneath a red and gray striped sweater, khaki colored cords and gray sneakers. i can't say i thought a lot of him, despite the outfit, because i was still head over heels for payton. later that weekend, the three of us got together to smoke pot and get drunk, and payton and i ended up sleeping together. "just for fun," we both agreed. having never have slept with him when we dated in high school, this came as a huge shock. the fact that i actually loved him. that night made it apparent.

the next morning, we rode the bus, hungover, to campus. we got some breakfast, and went our separate ways, him kissing me in the parking lot. i was glowing.

things trickled off after that. i was angry, especially when i realized it may have somehting to do with julia. i suddenly got the idea in my head to start showing interest in his roommate, just to piss him off.

the joke was SO on me.

the more i looked at daniel, the more i realized how attractive he actually was. and one night, i boldly went for it, and asked if he wanted to hang out. he said yes. i think as a deferrment measure, he invited a mutual friend to come along. lauren. i didn't like her, or that situation. our friend nick came over after that, we all hung out for a few hours drinking and eating breakfast food. we all fell asleep watching se7en, and nick woke me up at 4 am asking me if i needed a ride home. i paused, but made sure not for long, because he was waiting for a response.

"no, that's ok, i'll just stay here." i thought that ONE way or another, i'd find a ride back home.

daniel and i stayed up until sunrise, smoking cigarettes and talking. we went back to sleep, then woke up early afternoon around the same time. i kissed him. he asked what that was for. i smiled and kissed him again. we eventually fell back asleep for a few hours. when we woke up, he had a look in his eyes. he kissed me, and started to take off his underwear. without missing a beat, i mirrored him.

30 minutes later, we lay salty in bed, and i realized i had just had the best sex of my entire life.

he drove me home later that night, and used my name when he told me goodbye, and kissed me.

a one-way game of cat and mouse ensued for the next month or so. eventually he apologized, and asked if he could have a real chance. we dated for a month, and i hadn't been happier. he broke up with me because he didn't have himself together. i was devastated. i thought i was falling in love with him.

that was april of 2010.

that summer, we reconvened twice. emotionally. passive-aggressively. cryptically.

kory came to visit from austin that summer. we met for the first time in person at a house party off of brightside. i was waiting outside with beers, and handed him one when he walked up. after only a few sips, we got busted by plainclothes cops, and had $500 fines slapped on us for MIP. we joked that it was a bonding experience, and we all went back to payton and daniel's apartment. kory and i stayed up late listening to the strokes and smoking cigarettes, and we ended up making out on the couch. we fell asleep together, and woke up the next morning with stunning hangovers. then that next night, i went back over to their apartment, and kory and i went to payton's room and fooled around for a bit, and then we talked for hours and hours lying in bed together.


my mind would go back to payton, as well. we ran into each other at a party mid-september. after heavy flirting, he started stroking my knee under the table, and after we went inside for more drinks, i went to the bathroom. on my way out, i grabbed my purse, and headed straight for the front door. i caught payton's eye, jerked my head towards the door, and kept walking, not missing a beat. he followed seamlessly.

we got back to my apartment, and just like a business transaction, it happened. he started saying i was sexy, and i told him to stop talking. because i was scared.

he left, and i looked at my phone to see that the guy i had been interested in was trying to find me after i left the party.

i ended up dating that guy for a year. but my mind always went back to daniel, or payton. i was eventually able to shut payton out. but never daniel.

i cheated on that guy 2 or 3 times with daniel. things felt stronger. more meaningful. he was a natural choice.

kory is now in a long-term relationship with lauren (remember, from the night i first hung out with daniel?). he is going through hormone therapy to become a transgendered woman, and lauren is staying with him through the process. it's really poignant.

payton is back with julia, has been for some time. i don't hear much about them, and anything i do hear is vague and somewhat judgmental. i don't know if he's happy, but i still think about him, and pray that he is.

daniel? well. daniel hasn't dated anyone since me. this past summer, he confessed his undying love for me, only to quickly grow frustrated with who i fundamentally was, and start neglecting me. oh, did i mention- that happened twice.

it was heartbreaking. i loved him undyingly. i still have a part of me that does.

he was the one i couldn't shake.

olive (working title)

there's a way to soften directness, diffuse the blame, and hide intention, by replacing "i" with "we" when you say "i'll miss you."

she had a distinct neurosis.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from holding heavy objects just-so against her belly.
to keep the potential baby safe, of course.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from making eye contact with any male figure on the street. to keep them from making a blunt remark about her ass, of course.

it was this same neurosis which kept her from sharing her writing with her lover.
to keep him from reading about himself, of course.

she was not pregnant. she was not wildly attractive. and he would not be scared off.

but still she would pathologically avoid her high school sweetheart. still she would step over cracks in the sidewalk. still she would down 3 glasses of water and a tylenol after a night out, even if she only had 1 beer. still she would shower after sex. still she would wash the pre-washed produce.

amy hempel once wrote:

i'm not thinking about the end of it, the built-in heartbreak. what I'm already feeling after only one month is that it's kind of a heightened appreciation because i know we will only have one year.

she read this with deep sadness and a smile, thinking of him. how patronizing of her. she had no idea how much he really loved her. she sat here diminishing his words to lies. she thought highly of herself for having figured him out. knowing that he would only come to leave her again. from her laurels, she felt charitable for giving him another chance.

she realized her behavior, and fell silent in thought.

after some time, she stirred at the realization that what hempel wrote was true. you will only have one year. and then you will have another. and another after that. and so on and so forth, until you're standing on top of this mountain, looking at the beautiful empire you two have built.

this was something rare, he said. this was something he wanted to make work, he said. but tonight, he wanted to spend time with his friends, he said.

she knew this, and loved this about him. she was not angry. she was not bitter. she was not cold. she told him with a look that she wanted him to be happy, that was all.

she began to trust him again when his smile appeared, small and telling. he kissed her goodnight, and held her close.

he knew this wasn't the end. no way. not after what she said yesterday morning.